WINTERGEDDON Panic strikes Britain after white stuff falls from sky

In Britain this week, life as we know it is halted after snow has gripped the nation, with up to more than two inches being recorded in some parts.

In Hampshire, several branches of Waitrose became warzones after many members of the middle-classes battled over remaining packets of hummus and bottles of Prosecco. Tarquin Arbuthnot, 34, was in the melee and told NMC: “It was ghastly. I ended-up having to settle for non-sparkling water and jam that wasn’t made by the Women’s Institute. My cousin will be furious – she’ll have wished she never married me.”

On the outskirts of London, various gritting depots looked empty with its managers panicking as mobs descended upon the depots chanting “where’s the salt?” repeatedly. David Turner, 50, who manages the Salty Passage depot in Watford, said: “It was grim. I’ve never seen people so angry over a lack of salt before. The emergency measure is to scatter various packets of Kettle Chips onto the roads, hoping the salt and the fact they have the consistency of shrapnel might help cars stay on the roads safely.”

Predictably, in Scotland, the panic widespread in England was met with confusion and much laughter. Al McHaggis, 28, a heroin dealer from Glasgow, said: “F**k up, mate. A bit of snow makes no difference to us. This morning one of my regular customers told me he saw a dragon getting a blowjob from the Loch Ness Monster. English people haven’t got tae deal with that sort of f**k. This is the spirit of Braveheart, you know.”

Many schools have closed with children under the age of 8 having never seen snow before unable to comprehend the situation. Teachers spoke of their relief had being given the day off despite having 12 weeks holiday a year.

In Parliament, various Remain-backing politicians spoke of their frustration that the snow was a further sign that a second referendum was needed on Brexit. One Liberal Democrat source told NMC: “If the British public hadn’t been scared by UKIP and Weatherspoons and voted remain like they ought to have, then this would have been a mild day with perhaps some drizzle at lunchtime.”

Meteorologists are predicting the weather will clear in the next few days, but how the public will cope until then? Panic and run amok? Or just wear some cardigans and make do with the supplies they have and remember that their grandparents fought in a war and barely complained once?

We have no way of knowing.

Jack Smith

About Jack Smith

Jack is from Hampshire, England, who has recently entered into the foray of political reporting, with a background primarily in sports journalism, in which he has interviewed Formula 1 drivers and British soccer stars. Jack is a supporter of the UK Independence Party and campaigned for ‘Brexit’, his particular interests being British politics and political campaign analysis. A keen poet, Jack has performed frequently in his home town in-front of small audiences of left-wing creative writers, who he is disappointed not to have offended yet.