Happy New Year to you all. 2016, as far as we are concerned, was a successful year of politics. But of course it almost didn’t happen, as there were, naturally, an embarrassment of bastards there along the way to attempt scuppering it at every turn. We could be here forever listing them all, so we whittled it down to the top ten.
10. Jess Phillips MP
The ‘Yardley Yobbo’ is one of a new breed of Westminster MPs, who use Twitter like a teenager who’s had one White Lightning too many. With the vocabulary and appearance of a woman who’s making her twelfth appearance on The Jerry Springer Show, Phillips makes the list for her appearance on BBC’s Questions Time (amongst other awful showcases of her idiocy), in which she described the 2016 New Years sex attacks in Cologne, Germany – where over 100 women reported sexual assault and robbery at the hands of migrant gangs – as “a very similar situation” to what happens on a night out in her native Birmingham.
9. Owen Jones
When a Muslim gunman murdered 49 people and injured a further 53 in an Orlando nightclub, Guardian rent-a-gob Owen Jones stormed-off the studio of Sky News’s newspaper review after showing resentment at fellow reviewer Julia Hartley-Brewer and host Mark Longhurst’s showing any regret and sadness at the shooting, because, as Jones put it at the time, “you’re not gay” (the club in question was Pulse, a gay club). Reading between the lines, Jones was clearly wrestling with the obvious fact that the shooting was more than a random act of homophobic lunacy – it was a Muslim exercising his loathing of homosexuality. You see, Jones is of the belief that Muslims are also oppressed and share an angst and rebellion against that supposed oppression alongside the gay community.
Mr Jones, apparently a journalist, tweeted very little in the aftermath of the Berlin terrorist attack in which 12 people were murdered by a Tunisian who had links with IS.
8. Suzanne Evans
When Nigel Farage resigned (for the first time) as UKIP leader, he recommended Ms Evans to become interim leader of the party whilst the search for a permanent successor was found.
But early this year, she criticised his leadership and was subsequently suspended from the party. Evans took out a legal action against the decision, and during an interview on LBC Radio, was exposed as including an accusation in the action that Farage beats his wife. Fiddling with her ginger mane and stuttering for an answer, Evans’s credibility dropped like a bowling ball from a tall building. When her suspension lapsed, Evans stood for the second leadership contest of 2016, smearing fellow – and more popular – candidates along the way. She came second, polling an embarrassing 2,973 votes. She is now Health Spokeswoman and Co Deputy Party Chair. God help us.
7. Ken Clarke
Ken Clarke was of course old enough to remember the last referendum Britain had on Europe in 1975, as he was 60 at the time (a conservative estimate). A shameless Europhile, Clarke was the only Tory MP to vote against the unconditional triggering of Article 50 up to March 2017. Even the wretched harridan Anna Soubry voted for it, so she just about avoids the list.
6. Barack Obama
After two terms of not-so-subtle anti-British sentiment, Barry was drafted in to intervene during the hotly-contested EU referendum. After being his bitch for so many years, David Cameron called-on Obama to make a pro-EU case. He told Britain that they would be “at the back of the queue” if they had the temerity to vote leave. They did. He backtracked and swiftly claimed in the wake of the Brexit vote that Britain would be nowhere near the back of that queue.
After damaging the precious UK-US relationship for so long, we at NMC (an organisation that believes with totality in the relationship) are delighted he will soon be former President. Cheerio, Barry, you won’t be missed by us.
5. David Cameron/George Osborne
The ultimate Brexit doom-mongers, Cameron and Osborne lied and lied about the consequences Britain would face in the wake of a potential leave vote. They swiftly resigned as Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer and now make ridiculous amounts of money they don’t need in public speaking. Oh well, it beats them running the country.
4. Gina Miller/Charlie Mullins.
Miller, an investment manager and wife of a multi-millionaire dubbed “Mr Hedge-Fund”, and Mullins, owner of Pimlico Plumbers and a man who looks like a caricature of a 1980s porn-star, led the sickening campaign to prevent the Government from triggering Article 50 without a vote by Parliament. Mr Mullins recently admitted that his company oversaw a financial boom, despite Brexit. Who’d have thought it?!
3. The Liberal (anti-)Democrats
Tim Farron and his band of merry morons could never be off this list. In a country whose majority voted to the leave the EU, the Lib Dumbs are surely the most incongruous party in British politics right now, with their relentless pursuit of overturning the result. Still, you could fit all their MPs in a large taxi that releases less hot air than they do.
2. Nick Lowles
The creator of the ghastly Hope Not Hate – the organisation that hates everyone who hopes they’ll fuck off. The organisation have recently begun raising money from public donations towards a legal action against Nigel Farage for a supposed libellous remark, despite receiving funding from George Soros. One of the organisation’s activists, Bunny La Roche, once verbally abused and threatened Farage on BBC’s Question Time for his supposed racism. Ms La Roche apparently once supported an International Socialist leader who apparently believes it is acceptable to call a black person a “n***er” during sex.
A left-wing extremist wrapped in an ego inside a bubble of ignorance, Lowles proved his feet are well-and-truly under the table when he recently accepted an MBE in Her Majesty’s New Year’s Honours List. I’m assuming in his case it stands for “Massive Bell End”*
*written by our 14-year-old selves.
1. Will Straw
The co-ordinator of Britain Stronger In Europe – the ultimately unsuccessful campaign for Britain to stay in the EU. That isn’t what merits him the highest step on the tosser’s rostrum but his cardinal sin during the campaign does: using the murder of Jo Cox MP to score political points and help sway the vote with polling day a week later. To say it was an act below the belt, shoddy and devoid of taste, decency, respect and fair competition is a masterpiece of understatement.
Co-written by Jack Smith and NMC UK Editor Sebastian Cheek. Their new podcast for NMC, “Make America Great Britain Again” will debut soon. Like the show’s Facebook page for updates.