Ex-U.K. Prime Minister Tony Blair decided to vocalize his opposition to Brexit in the light of the Meghan Markle and Prince Harry engagement. The possibility of an American becoming a permanent fixture in British high society unearthed feelings of rage and sadness in Mr. Blair. Mr. Blair has been heard over the years revisiting Ex-Prime Minister Harold Wilson’s call to be the United State’s 51st state through his tenure as Prime Minister and beyond. The recent union between British royalty and an American C-List actress has only reinvigorated his passion for the U.K. to become America’s fiefdom.
It is well-known that Mr. Blair would do anything for his American counterparts, President Bill Clinton, but more so, President George W. Bush. It has been rumored that Mr. Bush told Mr. Blair in 2003 in Southampton, England to eat two handfuls of silverfish that Mr. Blair found under several fox corpses to, “prove his undying loyalty to the U.S.A. and to the Skull and Bones Society.” Mr. Blair, without hesitation, swallowed the silverfish whole, and to prove his heroic deed of loyalty stuck out his tongue at the president to show he had eaten every bit of the bugs. He then dropped to his knees and thanked Mr. Bush profusely for the opportunity to become America’s 51st state ahead of the great nation of Puerto Rico.
When the United States announced the invasion into Iraq Mr. Blair saw this as his opportunity to astonish Mr. Bush and show fealty to the United States of America. In addition, he saw this as an opportunity to further his bromance with President Bush. Mr. Blair called President Bush right after America invaded Iraq, but instead of discussing plans for joint military operations, Mr. Blair asked him what his favorite song was. Mr. Bush responded that his favorite song was “Freebird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd. As soon as Blair hung up the phone with Bush he called Buckingham Palace and demanded to speak to the Queen about an emergency invasion into Iraq. Because of the importance of the phone call the Queen immediately answered. However, instead of talking about the U.K.’s involvement in Iraq, he demanded she change the national anthem to Freebird and asked her to sign a Declaration of Dependence to the United States. The Queen was outraged and appalled.
She asked in shock,” How many more years do I have to put up with you? Please let Gordon Brown take over immediately! You have no self-control when it comes to America and even more so when it comes to President Bush!”
Blair was disheartened because his love for Bush was unyielding and eternal. It has been said that Blair could be heard in his bedroom at night reciting Sonnet 18 to a scrapbook he compiled containing only pictures of George Bush.
These days Blair is angry because he cannot find it in his heart to love the current U.S. president, Donald Trump. Many believe this is because there is no room in him emotionally for Trump. His all engulfing romance for Bush takes up every fiber of his being and soul. Blair recently vocalized his opposition to stopping Brexit. He is not doing this for the good of the British people, but because he was scorned by Bush when Bush told him there is no way the U.K. can become America’s 51st state. Blair is simply lashing out like a teen emo girl listening to Hawthorne Heights. He doesn’t even wear short sleeve shirts anymore so as not to be seen with fading self-mutilation marks he cut into his arms with a butter knife after Donald Trump won the election. Blair wanted Jeb! to be president, because if he couldn’t have W, his brother was the next best thing.
What does the future hold for Mr. Blair? Will he prattle on about reversing Brexit? Not many know. However, an educated guess foretells he will be found at midnight smoking cigarettes at Stonehenge blasting Joy Division mumbling love will tear us apart over and over and over.
Jack Oliver Smith is the Associate Editor of New Media Central. Follow him on Twitter @MisterJackSmith
Ian Erickson is New Media Central’s Editor-in-Chief and co-host of The Patriarchy Show. Follow him on Twitter.
You can also follow him on WrongThink.
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